London’s tremendous array of farmers

I am a Farmers Guardian reporter and I live I London.

Every morning I leave my flat in Vauxhall and peddle my trusty bike to work.

I speed past some major landmarks including MI6, the Houses of Parliament and the London Eye before arriving at FG’s plush (ish) London office on the Southbank.

It is a route laden with long lens tourists, sharp suited businessmen and aggressive bendy busses. An altogether urban affair.  

But scratch the surface and there is a hive of bizarre farming activity to be found.

Take this week.

Monday – I receive a call from Defra and am diverted off my normal cycle route to Savile Row, the world’s premier tailoring street. I arrive to find 50 sheep grazing on grass which has been laid across the entire street. Farmers in flat caps are talking to the astonished public about why British wool is so great.

Tuesday – I am led out of a meeting in the House of Commons to find a hot air balloon has landed. Who is there? The Renewable Energy Association telling a gaggle of excited MPs why they must defend the Renewable Heat Incentive, which will pay farmers a healthy subsidy for every unit of heat they generate from a renewable source.

Wednesday – As I return from a meeting I overtake a vintage Nuffield Tractor which is driving along the Mall towards Buckingham Palace. I have no idea what it was doing. It could have been the Queen.   

Thursday – I awake to the familiar lowing of a cow. It all feels a bit Bethlehem. I look out of my window to see two Jersey cows grazing in the park. My flat may be in deepest darkest central London but it is also next door to a city farm.  

Friday – That’s tomorrow. I am excited. Cows riding on the underground perhaps.

Farming’s sporting heroes

Farmers have a rich history of being involved in momentous sporting events.

Take cricket hero Geraint Jones, the Kent and former England wicketkeeper. He was an integral part of the legendary England Ashes team that took the nation into a state of elation with victory over the Australians in 2005.

Farmer Geraint Jones celebrates another wicket

But unlike his teammates, farmer Geraint doesn’t mind a spot of ‘rain stopped play’ as it means his crops will be getting a good dose of water and he will have a chance to check on the pigs and (Alan) lambs on his farm in Kent.   

And rugby. England’s rugby world cup winning team of 2003 would have been nowhere without its farming heroes.

Julian White, Phil Vickery and Jason Robinson all built their mighty muscles tossing bales of straw across the farmyard and locking horns with angry Aberdeen Angus bulls.

Jenson Button and Elle MacPherson – now that’s what I call an advert

Speaking of adverts (see earlier post), our friend the bad-ass west country rapping farmers may well be overshadowed by the people at Make Mine Milk, who have given us today’s lesson #2 in how to connect with a younger audience:

• Fast cars
• Sexy women

Why mess with a winning formula??

So now we have Jenson Button and Elle MacPherson added to the Make Mine Milk campaign line-up which includes Pixie Lott (see point two above) and the A-Team (see point one).

[They did also have usher, who no doubt is a fan of both of the above].

Enjoy:

Jenson Button sports the Nigel Mansell look with his milk moustache

To my homies in the West Country

How to connect with a young audience:

• Embrace rap music
• Cash in on the X Factor

That’s the formula being used by Yeo Valley – purveyors of fine organic produce – in a bid to get their product noticed.

And so they’ve come up with these here bad-ass farmers

And with lines such as  ‘Yo I’m rolling in my Massey on a summer’s day, Chugging cold milk while I’m bailing hay’ (their spelling, not mine) I can only hope that the advert (which airs on October 9) is less cringe worthy than it sounds.

Read the full lyrics here – sorry, we haven’t got the audio yet so you’ll have to make up the tune.

It’s a noble effort. But the same, I remember, was said about John Barnes, Shaquille O’Neal and of course, Jedward, when they all tried their hands at the ancient art form that is rap music.

It remains to be seen how these guys will get on. Will the audience be cringing, scratching their heads, or frantically searching iTunes to find where they can purchase this piece of West-side gold?

One thing is for sure though, its bound to get noticed and YeoValley will stick in the minds of the X Factor audience – at least until the end of the commercial break and the next hopeful bashes out a tuneless version of Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing.

Sorry rats, foxes and badgers are just too good looking

A TWO-AND-A-HALF foot long monster rat has been shot in Bradford. Boy it was ugly.

Local man Brandon Goddard discovered the blighters (he called them Ratzilla) in his housing estate and went ‘ratting’ with his air rifle. He shot one dead but four others escaped. Wow.

He is a superhero.

Because we all dislike rats (apart from Roland Rat, he can stay, and the ones in the film Ratatouille because they are really clever and can cook) none of us will bat an eyelid if Brandon continues to show little mercy when he hunts down the remaining supersize rats.  

Roland Rat

However, if Brandon was hunting other vermin – foxes perhaps or badgers – it would be a different story and tabloid reporters would work quicker than a (normal sized) rat up a drainpipe to paint Brandon as a murderous villain.

The ratters dumped the shot rodent in undergrowth where, surprise surprise, it was picked up by another feral rodent – ahem, the fox.

Megan Fox

If the general public loved rats as much as they loved foxes (including Megan), or even badgers, we would have a serious rat epidemic – but they don’t, because they are ugly.

The fact is foxes and badgers, our countryside vermin, are just too damn good looking for the public to support Brandon-like killing tactics.